All I Want for Christmas is Sleep!

I'm am sitting in my office pouting that I have to work on Christmas Eve, so to protest I have decided to write a blog instead of working!

Sorry I have disappeared. Things have been crazy and I am always tired! The nausea is really bad at night, so I tend to just want to sit on the couch after dinner and veg. I have missed all you guys! Hope you are not too mad at me! I will try to get better.

Christmas and this week are crazy as usual. Here is my week:

Monday: Help a friend throw a 21st birthday party for her sister
Tuesday: Throw a birthday part for the MIL
Wednesday: Christmas dinner with all of the in-laws (allllll of them! Aunts, Uncles, cousins, 2nd cousin.....)
Thursday: Christmas Eve service at 4:00 then my family's house for dinner (Feast of the Fishes. It's an Italian tradition)
Friday: Our little breakfast/presents in the morning, lunch with the MIL, her hubby, BIL & SIL and dinner with my family.
Saturday: SLEEP!! Take down the tree so the cats don't destroy it while we are on vacation next week and cleaning/laundry
Sunday: Birthday party for my youngest brother

Can you see why I'm tired? I just want to sit and enjoy Christmas. That is my wish this year.
Merry Christmas!!

A Month In Review

Here it is! My 30th post this month. I successfully wrote a post every day. It was a lot harder than I thought. Scratch that, I knew it was going to be difficult. I find it much more fun to read and comment on posts than to write one myself. I always have that nagging thought in my head, "Who really wants to know what going on in your life?" Sometimes my posts haven't been all that interesting, but they have all been something from my life at the moment. It's definitely been an interesting month! It's been so exciting to get something I've been waiting for all my life and touching to feel love and encouragement from all of you. Thanks for sharing that with me. I really didn't know what I was getting into when I started this blog. I couldn't have imagined the friendships and support I would not only receive, but have the privilege to witness and give myself. I guess what I am trying to say is thank you for a great month. Can't wait to see what the next one brings!!

Music Soothes the Savage Beast

I had another concert tonight. Poor DW is not feeling well so he stayed at home and my sister and I rode together (she plays too). I was really feeling crappy again today and REALLY didn't want to go to this concert, but since I am one of only two violas, I couldn't abandon them like that. Besides, I decided a long time ago that if I ever got pregnant, I was NOT going to be one of those woman that used her pregnancy as an excuse to not do things. Anyway, I realized while we were on stage that I wasn't feeling sick. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because I was concentrating on something else, or maybe the vibrations make me feel better? So, even though I am half deaf right now, I am feeling better (the pizza DW was nice enough to get for us helped too!)

I wonder how much the baby can feel right now. Can he/she feel the vibrations? Our season lasts until May, so it will definitely hear the music by then. I wonder if that will influence it's love of music? Kind of cool to think about!

Awkward!!

Picked out a tree tonight! It was actually nice because we had some cool weather for the first time so it felt like Christmas.

It's been a bad day as far as morning (ha! I mean all day!) sickness goes. Not complaining, just stating the facts. I do find that chewing a piece of gum seems to help.

The MIL called us on the way to the tree place. She asked if we would be attending her church tomorrow because they are going to have a video montage to announce our pregnancy. Does this sound weird to anyone else?? First of all, we don't go to that church! Second, how weird would it be to show up to a church you don't go to to announce your pregnancy to the WHOLE church?? Now grant it, this is a very very small church and 95% of the people who go there are related to DW and they have done this sort of thing for another cousin, but the said cousin actually attends the church!! Third, I have no idea what photos they are going to use and despite what DW says, there may be some bad ones. His family has a tendency of all taking a picture at the same time, so you never know where to look or when to stop smiling, meaning you get a ton of pictures of yourself with frozen face and looking the wrong way. I feel bad for the people that are going to have to watch this thing and don't know us or really give a care! I know the MIL is excited, but please!! Does the weirdness ever end?? On the plus side, got DW to agree with me on this one so no, we will not be attending the MIL's church tomorrow. Score one point for me!!

Flashbacks

I went to a recital today for my two youngest brothers. In the same room, same teacher, same songs when I was a student. My husband and I are on the board of the music school so the teacher made an announcement about our pregnancy (still really weird and uncomfortable to get all this attention). Right there it hit me. I am all grown up! Here I am pregnant sitting next to my husband in the same room I sat in as a teenager wondering when my life was really going to start. Here I am. I'm all grown up. Someday I will sit in this same room listening to my little girl or boy squeak their way through a Mozart concerto and I will think about this flashback and I will smile....because I made it.

Let's Talk

Yesterday was interesting. I usually have lunch with two different ladies at work. I know I really should bring my lunch to work since we have a very nice kitchen and it would save money, but sometimes you just need to leave for an hour. One of the ladies took the day off yesterday, so it was just me and the other lady (I will call her K). K had a tubal pregnancy this year. She is the type of person that just fluffs everything off and won't talk about things, so we never really discussed it. The only reason that I knew about it was since I work in Admin, she reported to me that she wouldn't be in when she had to go in for the D&C and since we were friends, she told me why. Right after, she had to throw a shower for her sister and attend one at work. I really wanted to say something, but I didn't know if I should bring it up. I knew it had to be killing her though. I also knew that they were trying again because she had made a few comments and had to go for an HSG test. When I told her that I was pregnant earlier this week, I quickly mentioned that we had been trying for a while. I could see she was surprised and was hoping we could get a chance to really talk. We drove to Target on our lunch break and it's about 15 minutes from where we work. She mentioned in passing that a friend told her there was something called an ovulation monitor? We'll, this just opened the flood gates! I told her that yes, I was VERY well educated on this monitor. I could also tell her everything she needed to know about OPK's, saliva tests, and even a watch. She was shocked. "You weren't kidding when you said you were trying!!" She finally opened up about her pregnancy, miscarriage and frustration of TTC. It felt good to talk to someone IRL. We even laughed about the mishaps while tryin to BD. I just hope it helped her to be able to talk about it.

'Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

So tired that my eyes are closing while I'm typing this. Ten sweet potatoes later I am ready for bed! Some interesting things happened today. I will try to write about them tomorrow. We have two dinners to attend for Thanksgiving. I am not going to want to look at food ever again after tomorrow!

In Love!!

Here it is! Our baby! Doesn't look like much, but to me it's the best picture I've ever seen!

Oh! The nurse called today and I officially have a due date!

July 17th!

In Awe

There are a few defining moments in our life time. One is hearing your baby's heartbeat for the first time and wondering how in the world you finally got here.

I was in the bathroom at work getting ready to leave for the doctor's. I felt like I was either going to pass out or throw up (it wasn't just the pregnancy nausea). This day was either going to go really good or really bad.

Thankfully we didn't have to wait long at all. We were ushered into a room and I was told to go in the bathroom and get undressed. There was the smallest paper sheet you have ever seen! DW said he watched her put a condom on the biggest you-know-what he's ever seen (I've had an internal u/s done before, so I knew what to expect.) When she first started, I couldn't see the TV on the wall because the computer was in the way. She wasn't saying anything and I was freaking out! Finally she started to try to show me something. She moved the computer so I could see and showed me the sac and the beautiful shadow that is our baby. I was so awed. Then she said we were going to try to hear the heartbeat. She clicked on a spot and there it was!! I started crying (so did DW but he said "only a little!")!! I am officially 6wks 2dys pregnant! I will post the picture of the sonogram tomorrow. Thank you everyone for your prayers and kind words!

Everyone Has A Story

I went to the nail salon yesterday with my sister. She wanted to get a pedi. I had already had one this week, but knowing she just wanted company, I went and decided to get a manicure. I don't usually paint my nails. I am way too hard on my hands and if I do paint them, they seem to get chipped in no time. Besides, I have to keep them short because I play viola and the nails get in the way. I, of course, took FOREVER to pick a color (I am very conservative in my dress and don't like loud, bright or attention getting colors or items. Some might call it boring, I like the term classic?) The nail tech was this sweet little lady with the cutest little voice. She could speak English pretty well. I don't remember for the life of me how the conversation started (I didn't bring it up, I promise!) but she just started pouring out her life story to me. She was from Korea. He mother was Korean and her father was a black American soldier. Her father left after the war and her mother abandoned her when she was two. The Koreans hated her because she was half American and she said she was treated badly. She came to America when she was only 17. She talked about working hard and saving up to buy her first car. She then smiled and told me that two years ago she finally saved enough to buy her own house all by herself. My heart just broke for her when she told me that she was trying to get pregnant for years and just had a miscarriage a few months ago. She said she "just wasn't good at it". I wanted to just hug her! It's so unfair sometimes how one person can get dealt such a difficult hand in life. I told her I was so impressed by her drive to make a better life for herself. I don't know why she choose to share her story with me. I wished I could have comforted her. All I could do was let her know she was not alone in her struggles and that she should be proud of herself. I hope, in some small way, it helped.

ICLW

Hi! I hope you will enjoy your visit to my blog. It's not always the most interesting posts, but they are the thoughts that swirl around my head and the things that happen in my life.

DW (That's my husband. It's short for Daddy-In-Waiting) and I have been TTC for 14 months. We used OT's, OPK's and saliva test to chart ovulation and never got a positive. After 12 months and no AF for 49 days, I broke down and made an appointment with an OB/GYN in the area that specialized in infertility. Dr. D said that I was not ovulating and ordered two different blood tests to check hormone levels and an HSG test. You can read all about it here. Unfortunately all these test have to happen on certain days of your cycle, and guess what?? AF was being rude again and not RSVPing to the party! In the mean time, DW did his test and got great numbers. This was great news, but also solidified the fact that this was all my fault! 52 days later, I took an HPT (of course a BFN!) and called Dr. D to see if he could jump start this thing already! He prescribed Provera for the next 7 days. This was supposed to bring on AF. A week after I took the last Provera, I had still not gotten AF. Sunday night, CD 66, I was frustrated, bloated and my boobs were killing me! I decided to take another HPT so that I could call Dr. D in the morning and get him to prescribe something else. I did the test, laid it on the tub and went about getting ready for bed. I grabbed the test, was going to do a quick glance and toss it in the trash. OMG it said "Pregnant"?!?! I ran out to DW (so much for a romantic, cute way to tell him), shoved it in his face and said, "Look at it this!?!" All he kept saying was, "Are you for real? Are You for real?" Three tests later that night and still the same answer. Even today I still feel the same shock and disbelief. After three blood tests, my hormones are rising at a good level and I have an O/S scheduled for Monday to make sure everything is OK and to determine how far along I am since the irregular cycles have made it hard to determine. I feel so blessed that Dr. D is taking this so seriously and ordering all these tests after all the problems we've had. I have fears every day that this will all be taken away, but all we can do is pray this is it.

I look forward to getting to know you! I love this community and all the support my friends here give. They are the best bunch of ladies you will ever meet!

Friday Night Fun

Had an awesome evening with awesome friends. KB & BB came over and played Rock Band with us. So much fun! I made plain pizza and buffalo pizza and it was a hit! DW went to the store and did all the grocery shopping for me and I didn't even ask! (Awww! Isn't he sweet!?) I made an old fashioned apple cake from a recipe I found on Bunny's Warm Oven. It made the house smell sooo good! Like fall! Oh, and BB said the sweetest prayer for us at dinner, asking the Lord to bless us and our baby. I almost cried!

Lovely People Don't Always Say the Loveliest Things

So I feel bad for even posting this one, but I have to get these thoughts out of my head and that's what this blog is for anyway, right?

Yesterday we told our friends BB & KB about the pregnancy. They have been going through a lot and share it all with us, so we feel close enough to them that if anything, God forbid, happened we would share it with them anyway. We were at a softball game that DW & KB were playing in, so BB and I were sitting in the bleachers watching. Of course, she was so excited for us. I had previously told her that we had been trying for a while, so she knew a little about it. She was pretty surprised. I told her about all the blood work and going for the u/s on Monday and the fears I have. Her comment was that if something was wrong and I did miscarry, that's what was supposed to happen and this one was not supposed to be my baby. She said her mom had a miscarriage before her and if she would have had that baby, she would not have been born. Keep in mind, she is one of the sweetest girls I know, and she would never say anything to purposefully hurt me. I just kind of brushed it off and said I was praying very hard that things would be OK. I thought about it later though, and wondered how many times I have said something meant to comfort someone and hurt them instead. I hope I haven't. People mean well, but they just speak without thinking sometimes.

I've got very nauseous last night. They wanted to go to IHOP after the game and I had a spinach and mushroom omelet. It had waaaaay to many onions and I was queasy as soon as we left. I woke up this morning and still felt off. If I even THINK of that omelet my stomach does flips!

Oh, and I now have super sonic smelling powers! I smelled a tar trunk from miles away last night!

Is It Just Me??

Does anyone else have this problem? My "Reading List" doesn't always update right! I have gone to the blogs I follow before and they have a new blog that didn't show up in my list!! So, if it seems that I have been ignoring you lately, I am so sorry! It's not my fault!

Another Stepping Stone

More good news today! My blood test came back and my HCG levels are good. At 4,696 it's increased more than ten times, which Dr. D says is good. The best part is I am going to have an ultrasound on Monday. Pray everything looks OK and is in the right place!

For the One I Love

Dear DW,

Though I know you probably won't read this until tomorrow and your birthday will be over by then, I wanted to write this anyway to let you know how much I love and appreciate you. I hope 30 proves to be one of the best years of your life as we begin this journey as parents. No one deserves this more than you. You were the one that never stopped believing, or at least never wavered in front of me. You are the one who listened to me cry every night and held me until I could stop. You never tired of listening to my fears, you still don't, and never asked me to just stop talking about it. Your never ending patience with me is astounding and proves to me the kind of father you will be. I have no doubt I have picked the right man to be the father of my children.

Happy Birthday My Love.

What Happened to the Day of Rest?

Today was filled with the chores for the week. How can two people create so much laundry? I do love the way the house feels after everything is neat and tidy. In case you can't tell, I'm slightly OCD. I don't really feel good unless everything is clean. I got DW Rock Band for his birthday and gave it to him early (his birthday is really tomorrow) so that he could have some fun with it this weekend. I found out why I don't play drums! :O) It was a lot of fun though!

Another blood test tomorrow. Not as many cramps today and not much back pain. Of course that makes me worry. I'm trying not to think crazy things. I'm not sure how long the back pain is supposed to last. I was on my feet all day and it hurts worse when I'm sitting, so maybe that's the reason. I think I will feel a little better if the numbers are good. I ran out of HPT's so I haven't taken one since Friday. Guess I had to stop sometime!

Persevering

This blogging everyday is tough on days like this!

Pulled off a surprise 30th birthday for DW. I really can't believe we kept it under wraps! Lots of details soon. For now, I need sleep!

Yippee!

Hormone levels are rising normally!! The nurse returned my call this morning. Now on to the next test!

Keep Praying

The Dr. called this morning and told me that the hormone levels for my first test came back high and definately mean I'm PG. He didn't have the results of the second test to compare them yet, but he would call me as soon as he did. The stress!! I told him I haven't slept since Sunday night. He laughed and said this is what parenthood is all about!

I have had terrible back pain today. It's fine when I'm walking around, but guess what? I have to sit down for a living!! I googled it (what did we do before search engines??) and saw that it was normal in early pregancy. The high level of hormones actually cause your vertebra to soften! OK, I can deal with it if it's normal!

I stopped at the grocery store after work and DW called me. The Dr. left a message on my machine at home at 1:00. Of course it was after 5:00 and he wasn't in the office anymore. He said he had results!! Why didn't he call my cell phone like he did this morning? *sigh* I was going to have to wait until tomorrow anyway. Guess it's no sleep for me tonight!

Still In Shock

We got home from dinner with friends on Sunday. I still hadn't gotten a visit from AF. My stomach had been hurting, but I couldn't figure out if it was cramping or just an upset stomach. I had finished the Provera for a week already. Still nothing. I was planning on calling the doctor Monday morning to see what I needed to do next to get things moving. I remembered that I had three PT's in the closet and figured I would just take a test so I could tell them it was negative when I called. I did the test, laid it on the side of the tub and went about my tasks. A few minutes later I turned around to grab the test and was totally shocked! It said "Pregnant"!! What?? How?? I tested the day before I started the Provera and it was negative!?! I grabbed the test and brought it to DW, who was laying across the bed. "Look. At. This." (There goes all the ideas for awesome ways to tell your husband! I knew I wouldn't be able to pull anything off!) All he could say was, "Are you for real??" I just stood there in shock. How did this happen?? Then my mind went immediately to the Provera. What could happen if you conceive while on it? Of course I had to rush right out of the room and google it! I found a few articles that said there are no problems in the early stages. One article even said that they used to give Provera to women who thought they were pregnant. If you didn't bleed, you were pregnant! Phewww! OK, now I feel a little better, but what if it was a mistake? I decided to wait a few hours and try again. Another positive!! Neither of us slept much that night. Our Dr.'s office doesn't open until 8:30, so as soon as 8:30 rolled around I called (I got to push choice 3. The one that says "If your pregnant or think you are pregnant...."!). Voice mail??? I called three times over the course of almost three hours before she FINALLY answered. She told me they couldn't get me in until next week. I calmly explained to her that I would have a nervous breakdown if I couldn't come in before that (I used those words, I promise!). I went over my history with her and told her that I was on Provera and was still a little worried about the side effects. She told me she could squeeze me in on Thursday, but that was the earliest. She had a possible cancellation tomorrow (Tuesday), but she would have to call me back. I thanked her and prayed that at least I could get in Tuesday. About an hour later she called back and said I could have the cancellation!! Thank God! Then on my way to lunch, she called again. The nurse had seen my chart and the note about Provera and wanted to see me right away. Could I come in at 3:30? I was very concerned that she wanted to see me right away, but relieved that I didn't have to wait until Tuesday. When I got there I had to fill out more paper work (I had to give my whole life story last time!). When I asked the receptionist why, she asked me if it was the same issue as last time. Ummmm, kinda, but not really!! When they called me back, the nurse told me I had to give a urine sample for a PG test. I go into the bathroom and there are regular plastic cups and sterile cups. Which do I use?? I went with the sterile cup because I figured it was the safest choice. They brought DW back and took us both to an exam room. Of course I am sitting there stressing. "What if it doesn't test positive again? I knew I should have bought more tests and tried again this morning!" The Dr. finally comes in and makes some small talk and then finally....the test is positive! He looked over my chart and said that because we have no idea when I ovulated, we can't calculate how far along I am. He said I had to get blood drawn while I was there and then again on Wednesday. They will compare the hormone levels and if they were high enough and rising we would be able to confirm it was a viable pregnancy. Oh, and he confirmed the Provera was used as a PG test, so no problems there!

I'm still super scared. I went and got the second blood test this morning, but they won't have the results for me until tomorrow. Ughhh! The stress! I think I will feel a lot better when the results come back. Then we can figure out how far I am!

We are going over to my parents house tonight to tell them. I think I would like to wait until at least after I got the blood work back, but DW is so excited! I have only told you guys and my sister and DW told his brother. I guess it's OK because if, God forbid, anything bad happened, I would tell my family anyway. We are just going to make them promise not to tell anyone. Especially DW's mom! She likes to gossip with the family and there are a lot of cousins on DW's side that I wouldn't want to have to untell!

I just want to say again how much I cherish all of the congratulations from each of you. I was so hesitant to post my good news. I know it hurts every time someone else gets it. I don't ever want to hurt any of you. We all get hurt enough from the others.

P.s. I have taken a PG test every day. I am certifiably crazy!

Thank You!

So tired! I am going to have to get used to this no caffeine thing! I PROMISE I will write all the details tomorrow, but right now I am too tired to get all my thoughts together. I just really need to say how much it's meant to me to have every ones support and congratulations. You guys are the best! Still so scared, but I'm letting myself feel a little more excited.

The Rest of the Story

So, I didn't finish yesterday's story.



I wasn't ready to.



Tonight, I will try.



I didn't get a visit from AF. I got this instead:




I am in shock and still so scared. Happy, but feeling scared is kind of drowning everything else out.

Friend Sunday

I didn't realize how much I missed having friends at church. We've only been going to this one for the last few months, so we haven't really met anyone yet. Today our friends came with us (the ones that have the baby we watched for the weekend a few months ago) and it was so much fun, especially since they liked it! I did decide that I could never leave our baby in the nursery. When they dropped their little one off I felt worse separation anxiety than they did! This is not to critize church nursery. I volunteered in the nursery most of my teen/adult life! We wound up having dinner with them later too, and it was so interesting to hear each of our experiences with different churches growing up. Good company, good food, good weekend! Back to the grind tomorrow. Hope it brings something good!

My Day In Pictures

**Warning! Extremely Boring Post Below!**

Sis and I went running and saw this:

I am sure every person driving by thought we were crazy! We were squatting there watching the little guy make his way across the side walk. :O)

Then we came back and did this:

Actually, we worked/did school and my cat slept next to me. (Isn't he cute!)

So my friends, that was my boring but relaxing Saturday. I will try to have a more interesting post tomorrow. Hopefully one that says I finally got a visit from AF!! Please!!!!

All Grown Up

My little brother turned 12 today. He is the second youngest child in my family and probably the one I have the most memories of as a baby. I was a teenager when he was born, so I helped Mom out a lot with him. I've heard stories of teenagers being mortified by a pregnant mother. This never occurred to me. I was so excited to have a baby in the house! He and I just clicked. He was such a good baby too. Always laughing and smiling. I remember a friend of my aunt jokingly asked me if she could just take him home. I answered her in no uncertain terms, "No! We waited way to long for him!" Two years later, my youngest brother came along. He was the polar opposite. Always crying and fussy. You had to hold him at all times or he would scream. I would get up in the middle of the night to walk around with him so Mom and Dad could get some sleep. I don't know why he was so fussy. Since I was the oldest, Mom relied on me for a lot of help. I never really resented it, but it got exhausting at times. When I met and married DW and people asked us when we were planning to have children, I would laugh and tell them I already raised two boys and was ready for a break! I look back on it now and am so grateful for those experiences. It gave me so much experience on changing diapers, rocking a fussy baby, giving an infant a bath, teething, fevers and so many other things. I know things are different when it's your own child, you worry so much more, but I feel like I will have a handle on things and not worry as much as the normal "first time mom". Wait, who am I kidding!? I will FIND things to worry about!

Random Thoughts of My Day

1.) One of my co-workers brought her 3 month old in today so everyone could meet him. I didn't really want to see him because I knew I would melt, but she walked around the whole building and I was trapped in my office. He was as adorable as I was afraid he would be. She walked into the room and I just wanted to put my arms out and take him. She didn't seem like she wanted anyone to hold him, so I just tried to satisfy my baby urges by touching his little hand. He had the chubbiest cheeks!

2.) Had to get another bottle of prenatal vitamins today. Braced myself for the friendly cashier to ask me, "When are you due?" Thankfully she was distracted by my necklace, so we chatted about birthstones instead. Pheww!!

3.) STILL have not had a visit from Aunt Flo. What happens if Provera doesn't work?? What do they do then? I know it's only been four days, but you know how my mind works! The "What If's" swirl around and around in my head till I'm crazy!

4.) My sister and I made the most amazing Apple Dumplings today!! I follow Bunny's Warm Oven and she has some of the best recipes on her site. Mind you, ours looked nothing like hers, but they were wonderful!

5.) Do you know how annoying it is for a perfectionist like me to realize that your supervisor has sent out notices to customers with grammatical and spelling errors........with your name on them!! *sigh*

In Due Time

Today I was reminded of what a wonderful husband I have.
D.W. and I have been looking for a house for the last 4 or 5 months. It's been so exhausting! The houses are either not what we are looking for, they won't take our offer, or a million other reasons why it's not the right one. We went into this with the illusion that since the market is overflowing with short sales and foreclosures, we should be able to find a place right away. Wrong! Just like everything else in our lives, its been a major struggle.
Friends of ours found out their house has Chinese drywall. The builder is going to completely rip out and replace almost everything on the inside. They've decided that they are going to sell the house after it's done, and asked us if we would interested in making an offer. It's exactly the model we were looking at and it's on a beautiful lot with a man made lake. We are just praying that it works out and the bank excepts our offer. DW was talking to our realtor and sent me an e-mail after. Here is an excerpt of what he said: "I was sitting here thinking. I truly believed that things would work out for the best for us, but I let myself get so frustrated by the process that I didn’t even want to look anymore….and it’s not that I lost faith, but I just started questioning “why” about everything instead of letting things run their course… It makes me think that everything for us isn’t “difficult” like we’ve always said, but maybe it’s God saying 'You think this is good. Just wait to see what I have in store for you.'"
I almost started crying. Most days I don't feel like this, so I needed the reminder.

Keep Suzanne's baby in your prayers. The baby is still having issues and poor Suzanne is emotionally and physically exhausted.

**Update: Oh my goodness! I am so embarrassed! Note to self: Never post a blog when you are falling asleep on the couch! Sorry for all the grammatical errors! **

A Question For You

Good news! Suzanne's baby is getting better! Your prayers worked! She is still not totally out of the woods, but it is definitely looking better.

So I've been thinking about something and wanted to get all of my blogger friends opinion. I read some one's blog a few weeks ago, and she totally blasted all bloggers that choose to blog anonymously. Up until then, I had only witnessed support and comfort for fellow infertiles. I was pretty surprised and kind of hurt. My decision to blog anonymously was not based on a need to hide, but an agreement DW and I had. I first got the idea to start a blog from reading a few on conceiveonline.com. I was inspired by some of the woman there and decided I needed an outlet for my thoughts. When I brought the idea to DW, my original thought was that both of us would post here. DW loved the idea, but he asked that it remain anonymous and that no one IRL would know about it. He is a very private person. He never did post here, but he reads it religiously! What are your feelings on this? If you also decided to remain anonymous, what was your reason? If you share your identity, do you find it insulting that I choose not to? I hope not. I would never want to hurt anyone here. I have never found a place like this where woman are so supportive, loving and encouraging. It's a whole different world here, and I love it! I don't think DW and I could get through all this without the support.

Time to Call It a Night

I've joined NaBloPoMo: National Blog Posting Monthly. You are supposed to post a blog everyday during the month of November. Hopefully I don't get too boring! Click on my link on the left to check it out. It's a neat way to meet fellow bloggers.

So I have to dish again. Another softball game with The Cousin. If she only knew. She never stops complaining during the whole game! It literally hurts me. I admit, I am totally jealous of her and what she has has, and she doesn't appreciate it at all. She does nothing but criticize her husband, complain about how much work her 3 year old little girl is and how hard the pregnancy is on her. I just want to cry! I don't have this reaction around other friends and family with babies. I just wish she knew what she had.

Very long Monday I'm ready for sleep! Hopefully some good news soon. Last night was my last dose of Provera. AF, where are you???

Your Prayers Are Needed!

I'm trying to start a prayer chain for Suzanne. Her precious little girl needs your prayers! She is a fellow infertile that just had twins. Her little girl has developed bacterial meningitis caused by Group B Strep. Please pass it on and leave her a comment to let her know we are all praying for them.

TGFO: Thank God Friday is Over!!

DW is away for the weekend. He left with his friend KB on Thursday to go to Tennessee to his dad's property. They are practicing shooting clay disks because they are going to participate in a charity shoot out in two weeks. He was so excited!

I had forgotten how lonely it is at night when you are used to having someone to bump into in our small apartment! (We'll, they call it a condo, but really?? That's just so it sounds nicer on paper!) I've noticed all the little things DW does that I take for granted. Take out the trash, clean the litter box, check the doors before we go to bed, make the bed every morning (well, most mornings after two years of not getting why it has to be made. I'm a little OCD :O) ), make sure the AC is at a good temp. for sleeping, putting my blanket on the bed every night so that everything is just right and ready for me to crawl in (he is so sweet and thoughtful!). Not to say that I don't notice these things when he is here. I thank him all the time for what he does, you just realize more when you are the one that has to do everything again. I lived on my own for two years before we got married. I'm very capable of living alone, but I am so glad I don't have to anymore!

It's been fun hanging out with my sister and friends. KB's wife BB and I have really clicked in the past month. We laugh at our husbands because they have become inseparable. They have lunch together at least twice a week and text each other constantly! She is battling her own kind of "TTC" problems. She can't even try because of a heart problem that has kept her out of work for the last month. She can't drive because she passes out at any given time! They don't know exactly what is wrong right now, so she is going through a gamut of tests. It's exhausting. Keep her in your prayers.

Friday was just a bad day. Stupid little things not working out all day just put me in a bad moodI don't think the Provera was helping my mood either. Everything from going down to lunch and there not being any food left or a place to sit with my friends, to a package not being delivered when I got home and finding out I would have to drive two hours to pick it up at the warehouse! At least I got the package thing worked out and they are going to deliver it to me at work on Tuesday.

Saturday was much nicer. Ran the bridge this morning with my sister and a friend and walked the boardwalk right after to cool down. It was so pretty! It's on the river here and there were cool birds and fish. Went to Sonic for lunch (we deserved it after working out for an hour!) and then dinner and a movie with my parents, sister and two younger brothers. Today definitely made up for yesterday!

DW comes home tomorrow.! I'm excited! I'm going to be really bad and skip church tomorrow. I don't want to sit at church alone. We are still fairly new and I don't know anyone. I have to get the chores done before he gets home. I want the house to look and smell as nice as possible for him to come home to. Oh, and we get an extra hour of sleep tonight! Yipee!!

Tomorrow is the last day on Provera. My boobs are so sore! Besides that, nothing else really bad. I am very bloated too, but that might just be the onset of my AF. Let's hope! CD 58!!

Happiness

Happiness is just outside my window

Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?

Or is happiness a little more like knocking

On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow

Let it be, you can’t make it come or go

But you are gone- not for good but for now

Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard

Happiness was never mine to hold

Careful child, light the fuse and get away

‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you

Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor

So you tell yourself, that’s probably enough for now

Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me

Look for it, but you’ll never find it all

But let it go, live your life and leave it

Then one day, wake up and she’ll be home

Home, home, home

The Fray

Anyone Have Jumper Cables?

Thanks to all my wonderful blogger friends advice, I called the Dr.'s office and he put me on 10mg of Provera for the next 7 days. It's a mile marker. My first medication on my road to pregnancy. Why am I afraid it's the first of many prescriptions I'm going to be picking up? I'm going to be a regular at Walgreens. Just what I always wanted!

I feel like I am a car with a dead battery and I need a jump start! I'm excited though, because it feels like I may be back on track. I'm doing something again!

I really like my doctor. He called me back himself. When I told him I was on day 53 he sounded a little shocked. He told me he wants me to be sure to get the blood test on day three, "We will get that blood test, get you on Clomid and get you pregnant!" He says it like we are going to a grocery store and getting the items on our list. Like it's going to be the easiest thing in the world! It made me laugh!

The side effects kind of scare me. Most the possibility of mood swings and depression. Like this whole precess isn't depressing enough! If I start sounding like I'm crazy, you guys have to tell me! Poor DW!

Still Waiting

First, I would like to congratulate Johanna from (the road to) mommyland. She just found out she is pregnant! She is one of my favorite bloggers on Conceive and one of my inspirations to start blogging. If you get a chance, tell her congrats.

I'm still trying to stay hopeful. Still no AF. CD 50! How is that even possible? Of course I have taken a pt. Of course it says Not Pregnant. I wasn't expecting it to. I haven't had any symptoms at all. I think being sick messed this cycle up further. I just want to get on with it! If I don't get my period, I can't do any of the tests! My Dr is going to think I given up. I'm wondering if I need to call him and tell him I haven't had my period yet. Can they do anything?

I'm pretty sure I saw a real live crackhead the other day. Walking through Wal-Mart...pregnant! We had just gotten out of church too. It made me so angry! I blurted out "God is really not fair!" DW just looked at me and said "I know".

Thanks to all of you for you well wishes. I'm finally feeling better.

Feeling Blah

I've been sick for the last two days. Wound up leaving work early yesterday and today. Not something I usually do, but it's been very frustrating at the office and I decided that it wasn't worth suffering and trying to get through the day while I felt so achy and sick.

Nothing to report on TTC . No AF and on CD 41. This is ridiculous! I am hoping that being sick doesn't totally prevent AF from showing up. I need to put the plan into action! I am so tired of waiting!!

Hope I feel better tomorrow. I really can't leave work again.

It's All My Fault!

Finally, some good news! DW did his semen analysis and got all good marks!

PH: 8.0
Volume: 2.0
Viscosity: Normal
Motility: 63%
Vitality: 68%
Sperm Count: 59% (Normal is greater than twenty, so he is saying he has super sperm! :OD)
Morph: 48%

So my friends, this means it is officially all my fault! I am actually happy to take the blame this time. It was just nice to get some good news for a change. I was at work when Dr. D called the next morning. I had to run outside and call DW! I was almost in tears. Now if only AF would arrive! Isn't she just the rudest guest you have ever met?!

P.S. I asked DW if it was ok if I posted his results

Some Words To Encourage

It's funny how you can listen to a song for a while and never really take the time to listen to the words. My sister actually quoted a line from this song on her Facebook, which made me look up the rest of the lyrics. It really touched me and I felt like it was very appropriate. Hope it encourages you! Check out the song if you get a chance. Just the words doesn't really give it justice.

Half way around the world lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground, hundreds of miles down
The first thing that arises in your mind when you awake
Is bending you 'til you break, let me hold you now

Baby close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light
Baby don't forget, we haven't lost it all yet

Don't know what you're made of 'til the one thing that you want
Is coming with the dawn and suddenly changes
The Monday syndicate meets everyone the same
All we've lost to the flame, listen to me now

Baby close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light
Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for
Baby, don't forget we haven't lost it all yet

Someday when this is over
We may still have no answer
For now it's when I hold her
We are closer, we are closer

Baby, close your eyes, don't open 'til the morning light
Don't ever forget, we haven't lost it all yet
All we know for sure is all that we are fighting for
Baby, don't forget we haven't lost it all yet
We haven't lost it all yet

We are closer, we are closer

Syndicate by The Fray

The Plan

We've added a third person to our baby making team. Dr. D, who was wonderful. He thinks I am not ovulating, so this means lots of test in my future. As soon as my period decides to show up this month we can get started. I like to know about things, so I am sorry if this post bores you, but I have done a lot of research and I am posting what I found in case anyone is interested.

Test #1:
Blood test to check levels of Estrodiol, FSH & LH and Prolactin levels
CD3

An estradiol test measures the amount of a hormone called estradiol in the blood. Estradiol is the most important form of estrogen found in the body. Most of it is made in and released from the ovaries, adrenal cortex, and the placenta, which forms during pregnancy to feed a developing baby.
Estradiol is responsible for the growth of the female uterus, Fallopian tubes, and vagina. It promotes breast development and the growth of the outer genitals. The hormone plays a role in the distribution of body fat in women and stops the process of growing taller.

I'm sure you know what FSH & LH is, but I thought this was interesting:
Follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is one of the most important hormones involved in the natural menstrual cycle as well as in pharmacological (drug-induced) stimulation of the ovaries. It is the main hormone involved in producing mature eggs in the ovaries..
FSH is the same hormone that is contained in the injectable gonadotropins which are used to produce multiple eggs for infertility treatment.
In women, LH helps regulate the menstrual cycle and egg production (ovulation). The level of LH in a woman's body varies with the phase of the menstrual cycle. It increases rapidly just before ovulation occurs, about midway through the cycle (day 14 of a 28-day cycle). This is called an LH surge. Luteinizing hormone and follicle-stimulating hormone levels rise and fall together during the monthly menstrual cycle.
Prolactin doesn't just cause your body to increase milk production - it also affects your ovulation and menstrual cycles. This is why it is nearly impossible to become pregnant when you are breastfeeding. (In fact, prolactin is 90% effective against pregnancy in the first months after birth).
The last one, prolactin, I hadn't heard anything about:
Prolactin inhibits two hormones necessary to your ovulation: follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) and gonadotropin releasing hormone (GnRH). Both of these hormones are responsible for helping your eggs to develop and mature in the ovaries, so that they can be released during ovulation. When you have excess prolactin in your bloodstream, ovulation is not triggered, and you will be unable to become pregnant. Prolactin may also affect your menstrual cycle and the regularity of your periods.

Test #2:
Hysterosalpingogram or HSG Test
CD7-12

Radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix. The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tubes are open the dye will fill the tubes and spill into the abdominal cavity.
This determines if the fallopian tubes are open or blocked and whether the blockage is located at the junction of the tube and uterus (proximal) or whether it is at the other end of the fallopian tube (distal). These are the areas where the tube is most commonly blocked. Very successful treatment for tubal factor infertility is available.
There are other things that potentially can be seen on a hysterosalpingogram other that whether the tubes are open or blocked. The uterine cavity is evaluated for the presence of congenital uterine anomalies, polyps, fibroid tumors or uterine scar tissue. The fallopian tubes are also examined for defects within them, for suggestion of partial blockage, and for evidence of pelvic scar tissue in the abdominal cavity near the tubes.
I think this is the one I am most afraid of. Dr. D said the test itself is more uncomfortable than painful, but to take 600mg of Ibuprofen before the test because my uterus will cramp. DW has some 800mg Ibuprofen that his dentist gave him. I think I will take one!

Test #3:
Blood test to check levels of Progesterone
CD-21

A progesterone test measures the amount of the hormone progesterone in a blood sample. Progesterone is a female hormone produced by the ovaries during release of a mature egg from an ovary (ovulation). Progesterone helps prepare the lining of the uterus (endometrium) to receive the egg if it becomes fertilized by a sperm. If the egg is not fertilized, progesterone levels drop and menstrual bleeding begins.

So, this is the plan! Again, I'm sorry if all this is boring, but I'm hoping maybe someone who reads it will learn something new like I did.
I'm glad Dr. D wanted to do all these things before he just put me on Clomid. I will probably go on it eventually, but I want to know what's wrong! Poor DW has to do his "special" test too, but more about that later.......

P.s. Thank you to my new friend Deanna! Your comments always encourage me!

D-Day

It's finally here. We have finally reached the point that we will seek medical help. Is it too dramatic to think of it as the first day of the rest of my life? I know they won't tell me much today, but this is the first step of the journey down that road. So many thoughts and emotions going on in my head right now. I'm scared because as silly as this sounds, not knowing what's wrong almost feels safer. In our minds, we still have a chance of getting pregnant naturally. As soon as they tell us what's wrong, bam! It's there. It will never go away. But, if they tell us, maybe they can fix this and we can finally have our baby.

I have tried to write down everything I want him to know. I hope he really takes the time to talk to us. I want him to know how very serious we are about this. We are not one of those clueless couples any more that thinks sex makes a baby! I need to be taken seriously. I need a course of action! A clear, concise plan! Not, "Well, we will try this and see....".

Pray for me. It's going to be a long morning......

Really?!

So, have you payed attention to the news lately? A woman from Arkansas is pregnant with two babies....not twins! Apparently she ovulated twice, one two to three weeks after the other, and both got fertilized! Really?!? How does one person get that lucky! I'm just praying that I ovulate ONCE this month!

The OvuWatch told me it was my fertile week Sunday and OV Day 1 was supposed to be Wednesday. We tried on Wednesday night, but it wasn't working too well. I was too dry. I grabbed the Pre-Seed, but too late. It was just not a good night. We both played softball and were tired. Poor DW has been sick since Sunday night with a bad cold. He has been trying really hard not to get me sick, so we have tried to do the deed without kissing. Do you know how hard it is to have sex without kissing!? The man still manages to make it sexy though. He really amazes me!

Does anyone know if cold/cold meds effect sperm? I've been wondering about that.

Yesterday I had some strange brown spotting near the end of the day. Nothing today, so I don't know what that was about. I googled implantation bleeding, but you are not supposed to get that until at least day 7-14 of fertilization (I know what your thinking,"Stupid, everyone knows that!" I'm sorry! It's all just too complicated to remember!). That would not make any sense if the watch is right.....unless it's wrong and I ovulated early......ughhh! I've been strangely disconnected this cycle. I can't really figure out why. I think it has something to do with finally going to see the doctor. I just want him to tell us what's wrong and terrified of the answer at the same time.

Going to look at another house tonight. I don't really have any expectation. We have done this too many times before. We did get a call from our friends who live in the development we want to buy a house in. Their house has Chinese drywall and it's going to have to be completely redone inside. Walls, electrical wiring, carpet.....everything is coming out. It's going to be a whole new house! They have decided they are going to short sell it and wanted to give us first shot. It's the model we want on a beautiful piece of property with a lake view. I am trying not to get my hopes up. Even if we decide to go through with it, the bank has to except our offer. That could take up to six months! Who knows though. This could be our answer to prayer, or just another disappointment. I'm so tired.......

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To!

So it's here! The dreaded day when you get one year older....again! Remember when you were a kid and they told you that someday you wouldn't want to celebrate your birthday? That time has come.

All in all it has been a very nice day. A few of my friends at work took me to lunch and DW and my sister joined us. They didn't have a big enough table so we had to split up. That kind of stunk, but oh well. When we got back to the office, there was a huge fruit basket in my office like this one. Isn't it beautiful? DW sent it to me! All my favorite fruit! I can't wait to eat it! My Dad brought me beautiful pink roses. Guess birthdays aren't so bad when you have nice friends and family.

The weekend with the baby was so much fun. DW was fantastic. He even woke up at 3:30 AM to help me! He is going to be such a great dad. I hated every time someone said something to me about "my" baby and I had to correct them! I missed him when they left, but I think it was good for us. We learned that we will definitely have to get rid of my little car when the baby comes, I am totally positive about my decision to breast feed (formula is expensive!), and I will not leave my little 5 month old with someone else ever (not that I ever was going to!)!!

Dreaming

My dream nursery, except with Winnie the Pooh decor and girl clothes hanging on the hooks. I picked the colors with this cool iPhone app and Benjamin Moore's website. I want butterflies on the wall too. What do you think?

A Baby For My Birthday!

Don't get too excited. I didn't get a BFP. Friends of ours are going out of town for the weekend and are leaving their 5 month old little boy with us! I am ridiculously excited. They have never been to our condo, so I really want to make sure it looks the best it possibly can. I have a list of a million things I want to get done around the house before he comes. I'm getting the living room carpet cleaned today, I have a list of chores that I want to have done, and everything must be perfectly clean and in order! I feel like I'm nesting! DW thinks I'm crazy since I am already a neat freak and he says the house is perfect right now.


It's funny, because I really wasn't looking forward to this weekend. My birthday is next Tuesday and I am really having a hard time with it this year. It will mark the one year anniversary of us stopping the bc. Last year DW gave me some really cute Winnie the Pooh things for the baby's room and I found the bag sitting in the closet in the spare bedroom. I wanted to cry. Also, all another birthday means is the clock is ticking faster. My eggs are drying up as we speak (if I even have any!!!)!!! So, "playing mommie" kind of brightened it up for me. We were planning on taking a trip on Sunday to go see my two youngest brothers at their swim meet, so it will be interesting to really get the full experience of a baby and all their stuff. I am used to it because my brothers are 17 years younger than me, but DW has never had a baby in the house. Should be fun!

Just When You Least Suspect It.....

The mommie pangs hit anytime and anywhere!

DW plays softball twice a week. Our Monday league is made up mostly of guys that are married with babies and toddlers. I have been able to attend all of the games and keep score for them, so the guys call me "Team Mom". Kind of strange because I am younger than most of them, but it's cute. We have three possible game times that fluctuate; 6:30, 7:30 or 8:30. Sometimes the 7:30 games are harder for me because that is usually the only game the wives with children attend. It gets crazy in the stands with all the toddlers running around. I get distracted watching and laughing at them and forget to keep score. Two of the couples just had a baby, but I am usually fine around them. Yesterday was our championship tournament, and we had to play three games this time. I knew all the babies were going to be there at least for the first game and mentally prepared myself, but I wasn't prepared for my reaction to DW's pregnant cousin (the one I mentioned in an earlier post). I couldn't even look at her without my insides hurting. I promise you, I am not being dramatic! I am getting the same feeling just thinking about it right now. I felt so angry, jealous, sad, I don't even know what else! It really shocked me because I have been around a few friends that are pregnant and just had babies and never felt that bad! What is this? I guess it doesn't help that I don't particularly like this person. She is never really friendly with me. She proceeded to talk to the lady there, who just had a baby a month ago, about pregnancy and delivery, complaining about her three year old and how her husband doesn't appreciate what she is doing and actually wants her to do stuff around the house. Her exact quote: "He asked me what I did all day and I said, 'I made a toe today! Can you do that? No! So I don't want to hear it!'" Sheesh! I finally just tried to tune her out so I didn't jump across the bleachers and strangle her. Needless to say, I was so happy when she left before the final game! I need to figure out how to get control of my emotions. I can't deal with this every time someone I know gets pregnant. I am going to have an ulcer!

Oops!

We started using the OvuWatch last night. At least it feels like we are doing something again. Hopefully it will show I am ovulating. I still have never been positive when that occurs. The closest I have ever gotten is ferning with my saliva test before it broke. I had the lipstick tube one and just ordered another one that looks like a microscope. Hopefully it will be here next week.

Just heard an "Oops!" baby story today. Grrrr....how does that happen!? This woman is so annoying too. She had her last baby to try fix a medical condition after a doctor told her a pregnancy would help! How do I know this? She announced it to the whole church! Yes, people actually think it's ok to announce their personal business in church (one reason why I do not attend that church anymore, much to my dad's disappointment). My theory is her hubby only thinks it was an oops since she had been trying to convince him to try for a fourth for a while now.

Despite how crazy this sounds, I feel like pregnancy is like a giant lotto and whenever one of the fertiles wins, the odds go down for the rest of us TTC. Crazy, I know but remember what my blog title is??

Judgement and Misconception

"As an uber-fertile woman, do you have any advice for women trying to conceive?"

Michelle Duggar:"God is the one who's the giver of life and opens and closes the womb. I would cry out to him initially and ask him if he would be willing. We only think we have control but in reality he is the giver of life."

This quote enraged me! Are you trying to tell me that every woman struggling to have a baby has had her womb "closed" by God? Do you think I have not been crying my heart out to God everyday to give us life? I know there are things that we don't understand, but this is just cruel.

We had a guest speaker come to our church this Sunday. The pastor and lead singer from Hillsong gave a message about the man, blind from birth, who came to Jesus for healing. The disciples ask him who had sinned, the parents or the man, to cause his blindness (First, what a stupid question! How could the man have sinned before he was born??) Here is Jesus' answer: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:3-4

Hmmmm. So lets see, if a blind man is not blind because of sin, than why would an infertile woman be that way because of sin? This whole theory makes no sense to me! There are plenty of terrible women out there that have babies! I also did my own research (online bibles with word search are amazing!) and can't find any verse when God said he closed a womb, only verses where he specifically said he OPENED a womb. I only see man's speculation of such an event happening. This is what drives me crazy about some Christians!! They come to their own conclusions and blindly quote what they have heard before!! If you can find something please feel free to let me know.

Now let me clarify two things:
1.) I think the Duggars are amazing. While I don't agree with every aspect of their lives (And who cares if I do! None of my business!) I think it's awesome that they have such a large family that they solely care for without debt or government handouts.
2.) I do believe that God is ultimately the giver of life. I believe in life at conception. I do not believe that he punishes us by making us barren.

Sorry, didn't mean to get all preachy here. Just had some things I needed to get off my chest. Guess I am PMSing. Aunt Flow finally decided to show up. After 49 days!!!!!


Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says your God. - Isaiah 66:9

Mommie: The Most Important Job You Will Ever Have!

Why do I feel like I am surrounded by very ignorant people?

I work for a medical software company. We have not really been affected by the bad economy, so if you are a software developer working for us, you are getting paid very well. I know this because I process payroll. Not so for those of us in the admin department, but it could be worse. This is difficult information to know sometimes because you see how many more hours and effort you put into your job to get paid so much less than someone who doesn't work half as hard, but has a title. Anyway, one of our developers will be on medical leave for two weeks for some kind of operation. I am friends with the lady from HR so I get to hear a lot of good dirt. Apparently there was a conversation going on about the guy getting surgery. If you have ever been around developers, you know that they are some weird creatures! This particular guy is very uptight and cranky. Someone made the comment that they weren't surprised he needed surgery because of how much stress he always has. His friend piped up and said he is so stressed because his wife doesn't want to work and he has to be the sole bread winner. When this conversation was relayed back to me, it made me very angry! I KNOW he makes enough to support a family! I have met his wife and kids, and I think she is a SAINT to put up with him! He supposedly has some kind of personality disorder that makes him so rude. The children look very well taken care of and have very cute personalities. Since when is it a bad thing that a woman wants to be a wife and mom? I usually keep my mouth shut, but this time I decided to defend her. I pointed out that he makes a comfortable amount, and why shouldn't she be able to take care of the children. My friend said that one of the children had some medical problems, so that was another expense. My answer was since the company provides medical insurance free of cost for the employee and at a discounted rate for the rest of the family, it couldn't be that bad. Besides, that further enforced my point! Who better to take care of a sick child than his mother?? Why do I feel like a voice in the dark? Why do woman have to defend the choice to take care of their children!? I know when we finally have a baby, there are going to be all kinds of people talking about me behind my back, including people I am close to right now. I don't care. I KNOW it's the best choice for my child, and I wouldn't have it ANY other way!

Trying

I'm feeling a little better. Don't really have a reason too, but I have always thought myself to be the kind of person that gets back up, dusts herself off and keeps going. I'm trying.....

Since I spend a ton of time talking about the negative things in my life on this blog, I would like to point out the one major positive: DW!

Yesterday I was still feeling very blah. DW was supposed to play his three game championship softball tournament yesterday, so he was planning on leaving work a little early. It started storming really bad in the afternoon so when he suspected that the games would be cancelled, he came home early anyway and finished the mountain of landry that I had not been able to get to. I came home just about the time he was finishing up, and I could have cried! It made me feel soooo much better to have that done.

He is really trying and I feel so bad that I have been such a grump. I forget sometimes how hard this is for him too, but he never complains. I am so blessed to have a guy like him that listens to me everytime I need to talk about my fears and even when I don't, he is just here.  

I wish I Wore Boots

You know that old saying, "Pull yourself up by your boot straps" ? How do you do that if you don't wear boots??
Excuse my language, but I have been a bitch lately! I snap at nothing, I am constantly cranky and I cried in church twice yesteday for no reason! I am just so lost and tired.

Still no period, so how do I know if I just skipped it? How can I start trying again this month when I have NO idea what day of my cycle I'm on and I can't use an opk? My Dr's appointment isn't for a month, so I am just supposed to wait until then?

I need a plan, I need someting to do. I'm just so tired. Tired of counting days, tired of keeping track of every symptom, tired of keeping a secret, tired of pretending that we are not ready, tired of holding other people's babies and wishing it were mine, tired of hearing she is pregnant, tired of pretending I don't care, tired of going to work everyday and being cheerful, tired of searching the internet for new hope, tired of feeling like all I do is think about this, tired of whining, tired of this fear that it will never happen for us, tired.......

If You Don't Laugh.......

I am in the midst of feeling very lethargic and sorry for myself, so I decided to run some errands instead of eating lunch at the office like we usually do on Friday's. I went and got my car washed and brought some work with me. I was able to get the work done before the car was ready, so I was feeling very productive. I then decided to stop at the drug store and get some body wash and see if they had gotten in that shipment of miracle pills yet. Everything was going fine until this couple walked up behind me in line.

Scene One

Act One

Woman: "So....how are going to keep from telling your grandparents?"
Man: "Well, I just don't want to say something and then be like 'Just kidding!'"
Woman: "Yea.......but we are going to tell your mom......"

End Scene

Uh oh! Don't jump to conclusions, maybe they are talking about a trip they are planning to visit the family....stay calm!
Walk out, glance quickly to the left...is he putting a PREGNANCY TEST ON THE COUNTER?!?!
Yep!
Oh the irony................

What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting

Hopefully DW (from now on, the Hubby will be referred to as DW for Daddy in Waiting. Sorry Love, I did give you the chance to pick but you never gave me anything, so you are stuck!) will not read this before I get to talk to him, but I need to air out my thoughts, and I REALLY want to talk to my Mom but I can't until I get the go ahead from DW. We agreed in the beginning not to tell anyone, but I broke down one really bad day and told my sister. I PROMISED I would not tell anyone else, but as I mentioned before we are talking about telling family so they will just stop asking! I don't really want the in-laws to know, but I need to talk to my mom. She had five children, so I think she might know a little something about all this! Anyway, I can't talk to him yet because when I called him, he was on his way into the office and he had two clients waiting for him. *Sigh*

I am embarrassed to admit it took FOUR pregnancy tests to convince me that I am REALLY not pregnant. Did you know you can get told three different ways that no, you are NOT pregnant!!
So after I got the "No", "Not Pregnant" & the two straight lines, I decided that it is time to make the appointment. There happens to be an office right next door to where we live and I have heard very good things about them, so that's who I called. The next appointment is not until September 29th!!! The only time available is 10:20. Can they make it anymore inconvenient? I'm thinking of just taking the day off. Maybe a massage after?

Here is the worst part: It's a male doctor. DW is not going to be happy about this. At this point, I don't care. If he can get me what I want, he can be an ape!!

Holding On To Hope

So I took the stupid test. Can you guess what it said? Yet, I can't totally give up hope. I mean, the "signs" were different this time! Not to mention that it is now the eve of day 42 and STILL no Aunt Flo! I know, she could have just cancelled her trip for this month, but still.....

My loving husband stopped at the drug store on his way home to get me more tests since I only had one and in my mind there are a few reasons in that it could have been negative....


1. I peed in a cup so I could count out the right amount of seconds, but I could only pee a little so the stick was tilted some instead of holding it straight up and down like the picture showed.

2. Maybe "One-one thousand" is not the actual time for a second, so when I counted to 20 it was too short/long. I knew I should have used the stop watch!

3. The test HAS been in there since May. Do they have expiration dates? It's left over from the box that I took with us on our trip to DC, so maybe the heat from the plane ruined it?

4. It didn't take three minutes like the box said it would. Maybe it's defective?

5. It's a Clear Blue Easy test and so far, nothing I use from that line works. Maybe it just doesn't work for my hormones?

6. Maybe my periods are longer so it's not enough days after my missed period to register?


Did I mention my husband is wonderful? He just walked in with THREE different kinds of tests!

I have to go drink some water........

While I Should Be Working

I have fallen in love......

I found this on a fellow blogger's site and am currently picturing myself carrying our sweet, sleepy baby girl in this sling as I blissfully shop for the freshest ingredients to cook the most amazing meal that will be piping hot and deliciously aromatic when he walks in the door weary from a full day of work, but excited to see his lovely wife and beautiful daughter!

A lot of pressure for this poor sling, I know!

What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You

It is the eve of day 40. No period. Yet, I can not bring myself to pee on that stick. It is so much more fun to wait and imagine than to get that big, fat, tear jerking "Not Pregnant". Also, we have decided that if I am not pregnant this time, we will probably go ahead and tell the family that we are trying so that everyone will just STOP ASKING!!! The last time an acquaintance of his asked him THE QUESTION, it was in the middle of Wal-Mart. She followed it up with "It would make your mother so happy" I literally flipped out! I am ashamed to admit I said words I have never said before. To make matters worse, we had just gotten out of church! Don't worry, the culprit was out of earshot.

We broached the subject of the late period on our way home from the softball game tonight. I think he is afraid to bring it up sometimes. He is so sensitive to my feelings. I just don't know how well I will deal with the disappointment this time if we are not pregnant. Hopefully if I do get my period, it will be at home. I don't want to explain why I am crying on the floor of the bathroom at work.....

A Week In Review

Apparently I have become the Sunday night blogger. I will try to be better from now on....in case any one happens to decide to follow this blog. I kept starting the next post in my head, but never started typing. Anyway, enough with the small talk, here I go.....

So Aunt Flo is late for her scheduled arrival. This happened once before, during our wedding anniversary trip in May. I waited so long that time to take a test, only to get a big fat "Not Pregnant". I am definitely going to wait until at least the 40-something day of my cycle to take it this time. I'm currently on the eve of day 39. I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up, but of course I have. Especially since we used Instead this time. I keep remembering all the "testimonials" of woman that weren't conceiving and magically, the first time they used Instead, they were pregnant. It can't really be that easy.....can it?

Of course I have had all the "signs". The problem is, by some cruel fate, all the signs of pregnancy are also the signs of a period coming! The irony!! However, the signs have been worse than I usually experience, especially the moodiness (Just ask him, poor man!) so does that mean something? Who knows. Guess I just have to keep waiting to see if Aunt Flo's trip is cancelled......

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Since I haven't written all week, I will have to catch you up.

I was so proud of myself this week. One of the ladies at work is having a baby, her fourth, so we have been planning her baby shower. No one at work is crazy about her. She spends her days at work sleeping and shopping on the Internet. It's a shame, because she is very vocal about being a Christian, so it gives us a very bad name. So on Wednesday another lady at work and I went to Baby's R Us to pick out some stuff for her registry after lunch. Surprise, Surprise! We couldn't find any of her big items like a stroller or swing or bassinet because she shopped for them online! We decided to get a bunch of the little stuff. So here I was running around the store shopping for baby stuff. It didn't really hit me until I was looking at the teenie onesies in size newborn. I kept it together though! No major breakdowns. Only a little pity party in my head when we walked out of the store and a couple was walking in holding a baby that couldn't have been more than a week old. Nothing noticeable. Not even when I was alone in my office later. I even got through the shower on Friday without a hiccup. I gave myself a pat on the back when I thought about it that night. Ha! I spoke to soon......

Friday I didn't leave work until after 7:00, so I was pretty tired. Had a nice dinner and was getting ready to heat up some monkey bread we had made the night before. Keep in mind this was a little after 9:00. His phone rings, and it's his mom asking us if we could come to her office an help her move a desk. I was not very happy about this, but I decided I was going to be a good wife and daughter-in-law, even though no sane person moves a desk at 9:30 on a Friday night!!!
We get there, and we not only have to move a desk, we have to disconnect all the computer equipment and phone, and anything else that is on the desk. Grrrrrrr.....
While we were fighting with the wires, my mother-in-law walks into the room and in her dramatic way of saying everything, informs us that one of his cousins is having their second baby. Ever heard the saying, "My stomach dropped"? I now know first hand how that feels. I wanted to strangle her for sharing that bit of information right then.

Well folks, there went the resolve to not have a pity party. I pretty much fell apart when we got home The worst part was, I just saw the cousin a the 4th of July picnic, and I thought to myself, "I wonder when she is going to have another baby? Hopefully we will be announcing baby news before they do." *sigh* I think I jinxed myself.

More later. I am too tired to keep my eyes open any longer.....

Sunday Musings

It's been quite a week. I'm hoping that this coming one is a little easier to handle.

As far as the TTCing goes, I'm not sure. I seemed to be ferning, but today when I looked at my microscope, I didn't see anything. Not even the black dots you are supposed to see when you are not ferning. I think maybe it's broken. *Sigh* Guess we will have to go with the old fall back method. Do it every other night!

No one Ever Said Life Was Fair

I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, crying for a woman I never even met.

I go the idea to start writing this blog from a fertility website that had blogs from multiple woman in different stages of infertility and pregnancy. This particular woman and I have many similarities. She and her husband have been married about the same time and they have been TTCing exactly the same amount of time as us. She posted that she was pregnant earlier this month. I had less of the envious feeling that usually creeps up when I hear of someone's pregnancy and more of a hopefully feeling. She talked about the urine ovulation tests not working for her either. I felt that if she could get pregnant so could I!

I looked for her in the "I'm Pregnant" section of the blogs, but couldn't find it. Then I noticed it was listed in the fertility section. She had lost the baby.

I don't want to go through that. I can't imagine the pain of finally getting what you have been hoping and praying for and then just loosing it. It's not fair.Why, why, why.

I am an extremely analytical person. I don't do things just to do them. They are carefully calculated and thought out. I weigh all my odds and I make educated decisions. This whole business of life frustrates me. Why does God, the giver of life, choose to give it and take it from to the people he does?

Don't even think about giving me one of those stupid Christian cliche's........

Google

When did it become so complicated to get pregnant? EVERYONE has their own ideas, product, opinion.... I'm not talking about friends, family, or people you know. Just Google something and you will find out more than you ever wanted to know!

I was still ferning this morning. Yeah! Only thing is, I am not sure if it is just a freak surge because it is so soon after my period. If it's just a surge, I am OK with that. At least I showed SOMETHING!! I have never gotten anything from the urine tests! Of course, I Googled it and found out you might ovulate soon after your period, especially since my period lasts so long. *Sigh* This is all way too complicated and confusing. How does anyone get pregnant on accident???

I also googled the Instead cups and of course there are tons of woman that have miraculously gotten pregnant after trying these once. I have had these things for years. I bought them once to try during my monthly, but they kind of freaked me out. I tried one last night, so we will see how it goes. Of course, this morning I see some negative things about them. So confused.........