It's finally here. We have finally reached the point that we will seek medical help. Is it too dramatic to think of it as the first day of the rest of my life? I know they won't tell me much today, but this is the first step of the journey down that road. So many thoughts and emotions going on in my head right now. I'm scared because as silly as this sounds, not knowing what's wrong almost feels safer. In our minds, we still have a chance of getting pregnant naturally. As soon as they tell us what's wrong, bam! It's there. It will never go away. But, if they tell us, maybe they can fix this and we can finally have our baby.
I have tried to write down everything I want him to know. I hope he really takes the time to talk to us. I want him to know how very serious we are about this. We are not one of those clueless couples any more that thinks sex makes a baby! I need to be taken seriously. I need a course of action! A clear, concise plan! Not, "Well, we will try this and see....".
Pray for me. It's going to be a long morning......
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Really?!
So, have you payed attention to the news lately? A woman from Arkansas is pregnant with two babies....not twins! Apparently she ovulated twice, one two to three weeks after the other, and both got fertilized! Really?!? How does one person get that lucky! I'm just praying that I ovulate ONCE this month!
The OvuWatch told me it was my fertile week Sunday and OV Day 1 was supposed to be Wednesday. We tried on Wednesday night, but it wasn't working too well. I was too dry. I grabbed the Pre-Seed, but too late. It was just not a good night. We both played softball and were tired. Poor DW has been sick since Sunday night with a bad cold. He has been trying really hard not to get me sick, so we have tried to do the deed without kissing. Do you know how hard it is to have sex without kissing!? The man still manages to make it sexy though. He really amazes me!
Does anyone know if cold/cold meds effect sperm? I've been wondering about that.
Yesterday I had some strange brown spotting near the end of the day. Nothing today, so I don't know what that was about. I googled implantation bleeding, but you are not supposed to get that until at least day 7-14 of fertilization (I know what your thinking,"Stupid, everyone knows that!" I'm sorry! It's all just too complicated to remember!). That would not make any sense if the watch is right.....unless it's wrong and I ovulated early......ughhh! I've been strangely disconnected this cycle. I can't really figure out why. I think it has something to do with finally going to see the doctor. I just want him to tell us what's wrong and terrified of the answer at the same time.
Going to look at another house tonight. I don't really have any expectation. We have done this too many times before. We did get a call from our friends who live in the development we want to buy a house in. Their house has Chinese drywall and it's going to have to be completely redone inside. Walls, electrical wiring, carpet.....everything is coming out. It's going to be a whole new house! They have decided they are going to short sell it and wanted to give us first shot. It's the model we want on a beautiful piece of property with a lake view. I am trying not to get my hopes up. Even if we decide to go through with it, the bank has to except our offer. That could take up to six months! Who knows though. This could be our answer to prayer, or just another disappointment. I'm so tired.......
The OvuWatch told me it was my fertile week Sunday and OV Day 1 was supposed to be Wednesday. We tried on Wednesday night, but it wasn't working too well. I was too dry. I grabbed the Pre-Seed, but too late. It was just not a good night. We both played softball and were tired. Poor DW has been sick since Sunday night with a bad cold. He has been trying really hard not to get me sick, so we have tried to do the deed without kissing. Do you know how hard it is to have sex without kissing!? The man still manages to make it sexy though. He really amazes me!
Does anyone know if cold/cold meds effect sperm? I've been wondering about that.
Yesterday I had some strange brown spotting near the end of the day. Nothing today, so I don't know what that was about. I googled implantation bleeding, but you are not supposed to get that until at least day 7-14 of fertilization (I know what your thinking,"Stupid, everyone knows that!" I'm sorry! It's all just too complicated to remember!). That would not make any sense if the watch is right.....unless it's wrong and I ovulated early......ughhh! I've been strangely disconnected this cycle. I can't really figure out why. I think it has something to do with finally going to see the doctor. I just want him to tell us what's wrong and terrified of the answer at the same time.
Going to look at another house tonight. I don't really have any expectation. We have done this too many times before. We did get a call from our friends who live in the development we want to buy a house in. Their house has Chinese drywall and it's going to have to be completely redone inside. Walls, electrical wiring, carpet.....everything is coming out. It's going to be a whole new house! They have decided they are going to short sell it and wanted to give us first shot. It's the model we want on a beautiful piece of property with a lake view. I am trying not to get my hopes up. Even if we decide to go through with it, the bank has to except our offer. That could take up to six months! Who knows though. This could be our answer to prayer, or just another disappointment. I'm so tired.......
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To!
So it's here! The dreaded day when you get one year older....again! Remember when you were a kid and they told you that someday you wouldn't want to celebrate your birthday? That time has come.
All in all it has been a very nice day. A few of my friends at work took me to lunch and DW and my sister joined us. They didn't have a big enough table so we had to split up. That kind of stunk, but oh well. When we got back to the office, there was a huge fruit basket in my office like this one. Isn't it beautiful? DW sent it to me! All my favorite fruit! I can't wait to eat it! My Dad brought me beautiful pink roses. Guess birthdays aren't so bad when you have nice friends and family.
The weekend with the baby was so much fun. DW was fantastic. He even woke up at 3:30 AM to help me! He is going to be such a great dad. I hated every time someone said something to me about "my" baby and I had to correct them! I missed him when they left, but I think it was good for us. We learned that we will definitely have to get rid of my little car when the baby comes, I am totally positive about my decision to breast feed (formula is expensive!), and I will not leave my little 5 month old with someone else ever (not that I ever was going to!)!!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Dreaming
My dream nursery, except with Winnie the Pooh decor and girl clothes hanging on the hooks. I picked the colors with this cool iPhone app and Benjamin Moore's website. I want butterflies on the wall too. What do you think?Wednesday, September 16, 2009
A Baby For My Birthday!
Don't get too excited. I didn't get a BFP. Friends of ours are going out of town for the weekend and are leaving their 5 month old little boy with us! I am ridiculously excited. They have never been to our condo, so I really want to make sure it looks the best it possibly can. I have a list of a million things I want to get done around the house before he comes. I'm getting the living room carpet cleaned today, I have a list of chores that I want to have done, and everything must be perfectly clean and in order! I feel like I'm nesting! DW thinks I'm crazy since I am already a neat freak and he says the house is perfect right now.
It's funny, because I really wasn't looking forward to this weekend. My birthday is next Tuesday and I am really having a hard time with it this year. It will mark the one year anniversary of us stopping the bc. Last year DW gave me some really cute Winnie the Pooh things for the baby's room and I found the bag sitting in the closet in the spare bedroom. I wanted to cry. Also, all another birthday means is the clock is ticking faster. My eggs are drying up as we speak (if I even have any!!!)!!! So, "playing mommie" kind of brightened it up for me. We were planning on taking a trip on Sunday to go see my two youngest brothers at their swim meet, so it will be interesting to really get the full experience of a baby and all their stuff. I am used to it because my brothers are 17 years younger than me, but DW has never had a baby in the house. Should be fun!
It's funny, because I really wasn't looking forward to this weekend. My birthday is next Tuesday and I am really having a hard time with it this year. It will mark the one year anniversary of us stopping the bc. Last year DW gave me some really cute Winnie the Pooh things for the baby's room and I found the bag sitting in the closet in the spare bedroom. I wanted to cry. Also, all another birthday means is the clock is ticking faster. My eggs are drying up as we speak (if I even have any!!!)!!! So, "playing mommie" kind of brightened it up for me. We were planning on taking a trip on Sunday to go see my two youngest brothers at their swim meet, so it will be interesting to really get the full experience of a baby and all their stuff. I am used to it because my brothers are 17 years younger than me, but DW has never had a baby in the house. Should be fun!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Just When You Least Suspect It.....
The mommie pangs hit anytime and anywhere!
DW plays softball twice a week. Our Monday league is made up mostly of guys that are married with babies and toddlers. I have been able to attend all of the games and keep score for them, so the guys call me "Team Mom". Kind of strange because I am younger than most of them, but it's cute. We have three possible game times that fluctuate; 6:30, 7:30 or 8:30. Sometimes the 7:30 games are harder for me because that is usually the only game the wives with children attend. It gets crazy in the stands with all the toddlers running around. I get distracted watching and laughing at them and forget to keep score. Two of the couples just had a baby, but I am usually fine around them. Yesterday was our championship tournament, and we had to play three games this time. I knew all the babies were going to be there at least for the first game and mentally prepared myself, but I wasn't prepared for my reaction to DW's pregnant cousin (the one I mentioned in an earlier post). I couldn't even look at her without my insides hurting. I promise you, I am not being dramatic! I am getting the same feeling just thinking about it right now. I felt so angry, jealous, sad, I don't even know what else! It really shocked me because I have been around a few friends that are pregnant and just had babies and never felt that bad! What is this? I guess it doesn't help that I don't particularly like this person. She is never really friendly with me. She proceeded to talk to the lady there, who just had a baby a month ago, about pregnancy and delivery, complaining about her three year old and how her husband doesn't appreciate what she is doing and actually wants her to do stuff around the house. Her exact quote: "He asked me what I did all day and I said, 'I made a toe today! Can you do that? No! So I don't want to hear it!'" Sheesh! I finally just tried to tune her out so I didn't jump across the bleachers and strangle her. Needless to say, I was so happy when she left before the final game! I need to figure out how to get control of my emotions. I can't deal with this every time someone I know gets pregnant. I am going to have an ulcer!
DW plays softball twice a week. Our Monday league is made up mostly of guys that are married with babies and toddlers. I have been able to attend all of the games and keep score for them, so the guys call me "Team Mom". Kind of strange because I am younger than most of them, but it's cute. We have three possible game times that fluctuate; 6:30, 7:30 or 8:30. Sometimes the 7:30 games are harder for me because that is usually the only game the wives with children attend. It gets crazy in the stands with all the toddlers running around. I get distracted watching and laughing at them and forget to keep score. Two of the couples just had a baby, but I am usually fine around them. Yesterday was our championship tournament, and we had to play three games this time. I knew all the babies were going to be there at least for the first game and mentally prepared myself, but I wasn't prepared for my reaction to DW's pregnant cousin (the one I mentioned in an earlier post). I couldn't even look at her without my insides hurting. I promise you, I am not being dramatic! I am getting the same feeling just thinking about it right now. I felt so angry, jealous, sad, I don't even know what else! It really shocked me because I have been around a few friends that are pregnant and just had babies and never felt that bad! What is this? I guess it doesn't help that I don't particularly like this person. She is never really friendly with me. She proceeded to talk to the lady there, who just had a baby a month ago, about pregnancy and delivery, complaining about her three year old and how her husband doesn't appreciate what she is doing and actually wants her to do stuff around the house. Her exact quote: "He asked me what I did all day and I said, 'I made a toe today! Can you do that? No! So I don't want to hear it!'" Sheesh! I finally just tried to tune her out so I didn't jump across the bleachers and strangle her. Needless to say, I was so happy when she left before the final game! I need to figure out how to get control of my emotions. I can't deal with this every time someone I know gets pregnant. I am going to have an ulcer!
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Oops!
We started using the OvuWatch last night. At least it feels like we are doing something again. Hopefully it will show I am ovulating. I still have never been positive when that occurs. The closest I have ever gotten is ferning with my saliva test before it broke. I had the lipstick tube one and just ordered another one that looks like a microscope. Hopefully it will be here next week.
Just heard an "Oops!" baby story today. Grrrr....how does that happen!? This woman is so annoying too. She had her last baby to try fix a medical condition after a doctor told her a pregnancy would help! How do I know this? She announced it to the whole church! Yes, people actually think it's ok to announce their personal business in church (one reason why I do not attend that church anymore, much to my dad's disappointment). My theory is her hubby only thinks it was an oops since she had been trying to convince him to try for a fourth for a while now.
Despite how crazy this sounds, I feel like pregnancy is like a giant lotto and whenever one of the fertiles wins, the odds go down for the rest of us TTC. Crazy, I know but remember what my blog title is??
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Judgement and Misconception
"As an uber-fertile woman, do you have any advice for women trying to conceive?"
Michelle Duggar:"God is the one who's the giver of life and opens and closes the womb. I would cry out to him initially and ask him if he would be willing. We only think we have control but in reality he is the giver of life."
This quote enraged me! Are you trying to tell me that every woman struggling to have a baby has had her womb "closed" by God? Do you think I have not been crying my heart out to God everyday to give us life? I know there are things that we don't understand, but this is just cruel.
We had a guest speaker come to our church this Sunday. The pastor and lead singer from Hillsong gave a message about the man, blind from birth, who came to Jesus for healing. The disciples ask him who had sinned, the parents or the man, to cause his blindness (First, what a stupid question! How could the man have sinned before he was born??) Here is Jesus' answer: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:3-4
Hmmmm. So lets see, if a blind man is not blind because of sin, than why would an infertile woman be that way because of sin? This whole theory makes no sense to me! There are plenty of terrible women out there that have babies! I also did my own research (online bibles with word search are amazing!) and can't find any verse when God said he closed a womb, only verses where he specifically said he OPENED a womb. I only see man's speculation of such an event happening. This is what drives me crazy about some Christians!! They come to their own conclusions and blindly quote what they have heard before!! If you can find something please feel free to let me know.
Now let me clarify two things:
1.) I think the Duggars are amazing. While I don't agree with every aspect of their lives (And who cares if I do! None of my business!) I think it's awesome that they have such a large family that they solely care for without debt or government handouts.
2.) I do believe that God is ultimately the giver of life. I believe in life at conception. I do not believe that he punishes us by making us barren.
Sorry, didn't mean to get all preachy here. Just had some things I needed to get off my chest. Guess I am PMSing. Aunt Flow finally decided to show up. After 49 days!!!!!
Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says your God. - Isaiah 66:9
Michelle Duggar:"God is the one who's the giver of life and opens and closes the womb. I would cry out to him initially and ask him if he would be willing. We only think we have control but in reality he is the giver of life."
This quote enraged me! Are you trying to tell me that every woman struggling to have a baby has had her womb "closed" by God? Do you think I have not been crying my heart out to God everyday to give us life? I know there are things that we don't understand, but this is just cruel.
We had a guest speaker come to our church this Sunday. The pastor and lead singer from Hillsong gave a message about the man, blind from birth, who came to Jesus for healing. The disciples ask him who had sinned, the parents or the man, to cause his blindness (First, what a stupid question! How could the man have sinned before he was born??) Here is Jesus' answer: "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:3-4
Hmmmm. So lets see, if a blind man is not blind because of sin, than why would an infertile woman be that way because of sin? This whole theory makes no sense to me! There are plenty of terrible women out there that have babies! I also did my own research (online bibles with word search are amazing!) and can't find any verse when God said he closed a womb, only verses where he specifically said he OPENED a womb. I only see man's speculation of such an event happening. This is what drives me crazy about some Christians!! They come to their own conclusions and blindly quote what they have heard before!! If you can find something please feel free to let me know.
Now let me clarify two things:
1.) I think the Duggars are amazing. While I don't agree with every aspect of their lives (And who cares if I do! None of my business!) I think it's awesome that they have such a large family that they solely care for without debt or government handouts.
2.) I do believe that God is ultimately the giver of life. I believe in life at conception. I do not believe that he punishes us by making us barren.
Sorry, didn't mean to get all preachy here. Just had some things I needed to get off my chest. Guess I am PMSing. Aunt Flow finally decided to show up. After 49 days!!!!!
Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?" says the LORD. "Do I close up the womb when I bring to delivery?" says your God. - Isaiah 66:9
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Mommie: The Most Important Job You Will Ever Have!
Why do I feel like I am surrounded by very ignorant people?
I work for a medical software company. We have not really been affected by the bad economy, so if you are a software developer working for us, you are getting paid very well. I know this because I process payroll. Not so for those of us in the admin department, but it could be worse. This is difficult information to know sometimes because you see how many more hours and effort you put into your job to get paid so much less than someone who doesn't work half as hard, but has a title. Anyway, one of our developers will be on medical leave for two weeks for some kind of operation. I am friends with the lady from HR so I get to hear a lot of good dirt. Apparently there was a conversation going on about the guy getting surgery. If you have ever been around developers, you know that they are some weird creatures! This particular guy is very uptight and cranky. Someone made the comment that they weren't surprised he needed surgery because of how much stress he always has. His friend piped up and said he is so stressed because his wife doesn't want to work and he has to be the sole bread winner. When this conversation was relayed back to me, it made me very angry! I KNOW he makes enough to support a family! I have met his wife and kids, and I think she is a SAINT to put up with him! He supposedly has some kind of personality disorder that makes him so rude. The children look very well taken care of and have very cute personalities. Since when is it a bad thing that a woman wants to be a wife and mom? I usually keep my mouth shut, but this time I decided to defend her. I pointed out that he makes a comfortable amount, and why shouldn't she be able to take care of the children. My friend said that one of the children had some medical problems, so that was another expense. My answer was since the company provides medical insurance free of cost for the employee and at a discounted rate for the rest of the family, it couldn't be that bad. Besides, that further enforced my point! Who better to take care of a sick child than his mother?? Why do I feel like a voice in the dark? Why do woman have to defend the choice to take care of their children!? I know when we finally have a baby, there are going to be all kinds of people talking about me behind my back, including people I am close to right now. I don't care. I KNOW it's the best choice for my child, and I wouldn't have it ANY other way!
I work for a medical software company. We have not really been affected by the bad economy, so if you are a software developer working for us, you are getting paid very well. I know this because I process payroll. Not so for those of us in the admin department, but it could be worse. This is difficult information to know sometimes because you see how many more hours and effort you put into your job to get paid so much less than someone who doesn't work half as hard, but has a title. Anyway, one of our developers will be on medical leave for two weeks for some kind of operation. I am friends with the lady from HR so I get to hear a lot of good dirt. Apparently there was a conversation going on about the guy getting surgery. If you have ever been around developers, you know that they are some weird creatures! This particular guy is very uptight and cranky. Someone made the comment that they weren't surprised he needed surgery because of how much stress he always has. His friend piped up and said he is so stressed because his wife doesn't want to work and he has to be the sole bread winner. When this conversation was relayed back to me, it made me very angry! I KNOW he makes enough to support a family! I have met his wife and kids, and I think she is a SAINT to put up with him! He supposedly has some kind of personality disorder that makes him so rude. The children look very well taken care of and have very cute personalities. Since when is it a bad thing that a woman wants to be a wife and mom? I usually keep my mouth shut, but this time I decided to defend her. I pointed out that he makes a comfortable amount, and why shouldn't she be able to take care of the children. My friend said that one of the children had some medical problems, so that was another expense. My answer was since the company provides medical insurance free of cost for the employee and at a discounted rate for the rest of the family, it couldn't be that bad. Besides, that further enforced my point! Who better to take care of a sick child than his mother?? Why do I feel like a voice in the dark? Why do woman have to defend the choice to take care of their children!? I know when we finally have a baby, there are going to be all kinds of people talking about me behind my back, including people I am close to right now. I don't care. I KNOW it's the best choice for my child, and I wouldn't have it ANY other way!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Trying
I'm feeling a little better. Don't really have a reason too, but I have always thought myself to be the kind of person that gets back up, dusts herself off and keeps going. I'm trying.....
Since I spend a ton of time talking about the negative things in my life on this blog, I would like to point out the one major positive: DW!
Yesterday I was still feeling very blah. DW was supposed to play his three game championship softball tournament yesterday, so he was planning on leaving work a little early. It started storming really bad in the afternoon so when he suspected that the games would be cancelled, he came home early anyway and finished the mountain of landry that I had not been able to get to. I came home just about the time he was finishing up, and I could have cried! It made me feel soooo much better to have that done.
He is really trying and I feel so bad that I have been such a grump. I forget sometimes how hard this is for him too, but he never complains. I am so blessed to have a guy like him that listens to me everytime I need to talk about my fears and even when I don't, he is just here.
Since I spend a ton of time talking about the negative things in my life on this blog, I would like to point out the one major positive: DW!
Yesterday I was still feeling very blah. DW was supposed to play his three game championship softball tournament yesterday, so he was planning on leaving work a little early. It started storming really bad in the afternoon so when he suspected that the games would be cancelled, he came home early anyway and finished the mountain of landry that I had not been able to get to. I came home just about the time he was finishing up, and I could have cried! It made me feel soooo much better to have that done.
He is really trying and I feel so bad that I have been such a grump. I forget sometimes how hard this is for him too, but he never complains. I am so blessed to have a guy like him that listens to me everytime I need to talk about my fears and even when I don't, he is just here.
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