I wish I Wore Boots

You know that old saying, "Pull yourself up by your boot straps" ? How do you do that if you don't wear boots??
Excuse my language, but I have been a bitch lately! I snap at nothing, I am constantly cranky and I cried in church twice yesteday for no reason! I am just so lost and tired.

Still no period, so how do I know if I just skipped it? How can I start trying again this month when I have NO idea what day of my cycle I'm on and I can't use an opk? My Dr's appointment isn't for a month, so I am just supposed to wait until then?

I need a plan, I need someting to do. I'm just so tired. Tired of counting days, tired of keeping track of every symptom, tired of keeping a secret, tired of pretending that we are not ready, tired of holding other people's babies and wishing it were mine, tired of hearing she is pregnant, tired of pretending I don't care, tired of going to work everyday and being cheerful, tired of searching the internet for new hope, tired of feeling like all I do is think about this, tired of whining, tired of this fear that it will never happen for us, tired.......

If You Don't Laugh.......

I am in the midst of feeling very lethargic and sorry for myself, so I decided to run some errands instead of eating lunch at the office like we usually do on Friday's. I went and got my car washed and brought some work with me. I was able to get the work done before the car was ready, so I was feeling very productive. I then decided to stop at the drug store and get some body wash and see if they had gotten in that shipment of miracle pills yet. Everything was going fine until this couple walked up behind me in line.

Scene One

Act One

Woman: "So....how are going to keep from telling your grandparents?"
Man: "Well, I just don't want to say something and then be like 'Just kidding!'"
Woman: "Yea.......but we are going to tell your mom......"

End Scene

Uh oh! Don't jump to conclusions, maybe they are talking about a trip they are planning to visit the family....stay calm!
Walk out, glance quickly to the left...is he putting a PREGNANCY TEST ON THE COUNTER?!?!
Yep!
Oh the irony................

What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting

Hopefully DW (from now on, the Hubby will be referred to as DW for Daddy in Waiting. Sorry Love, I did give you the chance to pick but you never gave me anything, so you are stuck!) will not read this before I get to talk to him, but I need to air out my thoughts, and I REALLY want to talk to my Mom but I can't until I get the go ahead from DW. We agreed in the beginning not to tell anyone, but I broke down one really bad day and told my sister. I PROMISED I would not tell anyone else, but as I mentioned before we are talking about telling family so they will just stop asking! I don't really want the in-laws to know, but I need to talk to my mom. She had five children, so I think she might know a little something about all this! Anyway, I can't talk to him yet because when I called him, he was on his way into the office and he had two clients waiting for him. *Sigh*

I am embarrassed to admit it took FOUR pregnancy tests to convince me that I am REALLY not pregnant. Did you know you can get told three different ways that no, you are NOT pregnant!!
So after I got the "No", "Not Pregnant" & the two straight lines, I decided that it is time to make the appointment. There happens to be an office right next door to where we live and I have heard very good things about them, so that's who I called. The next appointment is not until September 29th!!! The only time available is 10:20. Can they make it anymore inconvenient? I'm thinking of just taking the day off. Maybe a massage after?

Here is the worst part: It's a male doctor. DW is not going to be happy about this. At this point, I don't care. If he can get me what I want, he can be an ape!!

Holding On To Hope

So I took the stupid test. Can you guess what it said? Yet, I can't totally give up hope. I mean, the "signs" were different this time! Not to mention that it is now the eve of day 42 and STILL no Aunt Flo! I know, she could have just cancelled her trip for this month, but still.....

My loving husband stopped at the drug store on his way home to get me more tests since I only had one and in my mind there are a few reasons in that it could have been negative....


1. I peed in a cup so I could count out the right amount of seconds, but I could only pee a little so the stick was tilted some instead of holding it straight up and down like the picture showed.

2. Maybe "One-one thousand" is not the actual time for a second, so when I counted to 20 it was too short/long. I knew I should have used the stop watch!

3. The test HAS been in there since May. Do they have expiration dates? It's left over from the box that I took with us on our trip to DC, so maybe the heat from the plane ruined it?

4. It didn't take three minutes like the box said it would. Maybe it's defective?

5. It's a Clear Blue Easy test and so far, nothing I use from that line works. Maybe it just doesn't work for my hormones?

6. Maybe my periods are longer so it's not enough days after my missed period to register?


Did I mention my husband is wonderful? He just walked in with THREE different kinds of tests!

I have to go drink some water........

While I Should Be Working

I have fallen in love......

I found this on a fellow blogger's site and am currently picturing myself carrying our sweet, sleepy baby girl in this sling as I blissfully shop for the freshest ingredients to cook the most amazing meal that will be piping hot and deliciously aromatic when he walks in the door weary from a full day of work, but excited to see his lovely wife and beautiful daughter!

A lot of pressure for this poor sling, I know!

What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You

It is the eve of day 40. No period. Yet, I can not bring myself to pee on that stick. It is so much more fun to wait and imagine than to get that big, fat, tear jerking "Not Pregnant". Also, we have decided that if I am not pregnant this time, we will probably go ahead and tell the family that we are trying so that everyone will just STOP ASKING!!! The last time an acquaintance of his asked him THE QUESTION, it was in the middle of Wal-Mart. She followed it up with "It would make your mother so happy" I literally flipped out! I am ashamed to admit I said words I have never said before. To make matters worse, we had just gotten out of church! Don't worry, the culprit was out of earshot.

We broached the subject of the late period on our way home from the softball game tonight. I think he is afraid to bring it up sometimes. He is so sensitive to my feelings. I just don't know how well I will deal with the disappointment this time if we are not pregnant. Hopefully if I do get my period, it will be at home. I don't want to explain why I am crying on the floor of the bathroom at work.....

A Week In Review

Apparently I have become the Sunday night blogger. I will try to be better from now on....in case any one happens to decide to follow this blog. I kept starting the next post in my head, but never started typing. Anyway, enough with the small talk, here I go.....

So Aunt Flo is late for her scheduled arrival. This happened once before, during our wedding anniversary trip in May. I waited so long that time to take a test, only to get a big fat "Not Pregnant". I am definitely going to wait until at least the 40-something day of my cycle to take it this time. I'm currently on the eve of day 39. I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up, but of course I have. Especially since we used Instead this time. I keep remembering all the "testimonials" of woman that weren't conceiving and magically, the first time they used Instead, they were pregnant. It can't really be that easy.....can it?

Of course I have had all the "signs". The problem is, by some cruel fate, all the signs of pregnancy are also the signs of a period coming! The irony!! However, the signs have been worse than I usually experience, especially the moodiness (Just ask him, poor man!) so does that mean something? Who knows. Guess I just have to keep waiting to see if Aunt Flo's trip is cancelled......

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Since I haven't written all week, I will have to catch you up.

I was so proud of myself this week. One of the ladies at work is having a baby, her fourth, so we have been planning her baby shower. No one at work is crazy about her. She spends her days at work sleeping and shopping on the Internet. It's a shame, because she is very vocal about being a Christian, so it gives us a very bad name. So on Wednesday another lady at work and I went to Baby's R Us to pick out some stuff for her registry after lunch. Surprise, Surprise! We couldn't find any of her big items like a stroller or swing or bassinet because she shopped for them online! We decided to get a bunch of the little stuff. So here I was running around the store shopping for baby stuff. It didn't really hit me until I was looking at the teenie onesies in size newborn. I kept it together though! No major breakdowns. Only a little pity party in my head when we walked out of the store and a couple was walking in holding a baby that couldn't have been more than a week old. Nothing noticeable. Not even when I was alone in my office later. I even got through the shower on Friday without a hiccup. I gave myself a pat on the back when I thought about it that night. Ha! I spoke to soon......

Friday I didn't leave work until after 7:00, so I was pretty tired. Had a nice dinner and was getting ready to heat up some monkey bread we had made the night before. Keep in mind this was a little after 9:00. His phone rings, and it's his mom asking us if we could come to her office an help her move a desk. I was not very happy about this, but I decided I was going to be a good wife and daughter-in-law, even though no sane person moves a desk at 9:30 on a Friday night!!!
We get there, and we not only have to move a desk, we have to disconnect all the computer equipment and phone, and anything else that is on the desk. Grrrrrrr.....
While we were fighting with the wires, my mother-in-law walks into the room and in her dramatic way of saying everything, informs us that one of his cousins is having their second baby. Ever heard the saying, "My stomach dropped"? I now know first hand how that feels. I wanted to strangle her for sharing that bit of information right then.

Well folks, there went the resolve to not have a pity party. I pretty much fell apart when we got home The worst part was, I just saw the cousin a the 4th of July picnic, and I thought to myself, "I wonder when she is going to have another baby? Hopefully we will be announcing baby news before they do." *sigh* I think I jinxed myself.

More later. I am too tired to keep my eyes open any longer.....

Sunday Musings

It's been quite a week. I'm hoping that this coming one is a little easier to handle.

As far as the TTCing goes, I'm not sure. I seemed to be ferning, but today when I looked at my microscope, I didn't see anything. Not even the black dots you are supposed to see when you are not ferning. I think maybe it's broken. *Sigh* Guess we will have to go with the old fall back method. Do it every other night!