I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, crying for a woman I never even met.
I go the idea to start writing this blog from a fertility website that had blogs from multiple woman in different stages of infertility and pregnancy. This particular woman and I have many similarities. She and her husband have been married about the same time and they have been TTCing exactly the same amount of time as us. She posted that she was pregnant earlier this month. I had less of the envious feeling that usually creeps up when I hear of someone's pregnancy and more of a hopefully feeling. She talked about the urine ovulation tests not working for her either. I felt that if she could get pregnant so could I!
I looked for her in the "I'm Pregnant" section of the blogs, but couldn't find it. Then I noticed it was listed in the fertility section. She had lost the baby.
I don't want to go through that. I can't imagine the pain of finally getting what you have been hoping and praying for and then just loosing it. It's not fair.Why, why, why.
I am an extremely analytical person. I don't do things just to do them. They are carefully calculated and thought out. I weigh all my odds and I make educated decisions. This whole business of life frustrates me. Why does God, the giver of life, choose to give it and take it from to the people he does?
Don't even think about giving me one of those stupid Christian cliche's........
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
When did it become so complicated to get pregnant? EVERYONE has their own ideas, product, opinion.... I'm not talking about friends, family, or people you know. Just Google something and you will find out more than you ever wanted to know!
I was still ferning this morning. Yeah! Only thing is, I am not sure if it is just a freak surge because it is so soon after my period. If it's just a surge, I am OK with that. At least I showed SOMETHING!! I have never gotten anything from the urine tests! Of course, I Googled it and found out you might ovulate soon after your period, especially since my period lasts so long. *Sigh* This is all way too complicated and confusing. How does anyone get pregnant on accident???
I also googled the Instead cups and of course there are tons of woman that have miraculously gotten pregnant after trying these once. I have had these things for years. I bought them once to try during my monthly, but they kind of freaked me out. I tried one last night, so we will see how it goes. Of course, this morning I see some negative things about them. So confused.........
I was still ferning this morning. Yeah! Only thing is, I am not sure if it is just a freak surge because it is so soon after my period. If it's just a surge, I am OK with that. At least I showed SOMETHING!! I have never gotten anything from the urine tests! Of course, I Googled it and found out you might ovulate soon after your period, especially since my period lasts so long. *Sigh* This is all way too complicated and confusing. How does anyone get pregnant on accident???
I also googled the Instead cups and of course there are tons of woman that have miraculously gotten pregnant after trying these once. I have had these things for years. I bought them once to try during my monthly, but they kind of freaked me out. I tried one last night, so we will see how it goes. Of course, this morning I see some negative things about them. So confused.........
Monday, July 27, 2009
My Sudden Love of Ferns
I'm "ferning"!!! Or at least it appeared that way this morning! I have to go home tonight and try it again....Oh wait! Let's go back.....
As I mentioned in my last post, I was not successful with the urine tests for ovulation, so I have moved on. After doing a lot of research, I found that some woman have better luck with the saliva test, so after looking at MANY reviews, I finally picked one that seemed to be good quality and received positive reviews. I also purchased an Ovu-Watch (If you knew me, you would think this is very funny. I love watches and used to have quite a few. Even a some collectibles. Don't ask. I have brothers. 'Nuff said!) I haven't been able to use the watch yet because it came on day 5 of my cycle, and the latest you can start it is day 3. I was very disappointed.
This morning, I got up at 5:00 for the gym, swiped the little round lens under my tongue and left it on the counter to dry. I was running late, so I didn't even check it before I left. When I got back I popped the lens in and looked. THERE WERE FERNS!! I'm so nervous that something went wrong and I did it wrong or something! When he woke up, I told him to look, but I had to leave for work before he could. He called me at work and said he definitely saw them too! So now I just have to wait and do it again tonight. I am soooo nervous!! More later.....
As I mentioned in my last post, I was not successful with the urine tests for ovulation, so I have moved on. After doing a lot of research, I found that some woman have better luck with the saliva test, so after looking at MANY reviews, I finally picked one that seemed to be good quality and received positive reviews. I also purchased an Ovu-Watch (If you knew me, you would think this is very funny. I love watches and used to have quite a few. Even a some collectibles. Don't ask. I have brothers. 'Nuff said!) I haven't been able to use the watch yet because it came on day 5 of my cycle, and the latest you can start it is day 3. I was very disappointed.
This morning, I got up at 5:00 for the gym, swiped the little round lens under my tongue and left it on the counter to dry. I was running late, so I didn't even check it before I left. When I got back I popped the lens in and looked. THERE WERE FERNS!! I'm so nervous that something went wrong and I did it wrong or something! When he woke up, I told him to look, but I had to leave for work before he could. He called me at work and said he definitely saw them too! So now I just have to wait and do it again tonight. I am soooo nervous!! More later.....
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The Rest of the Story
So here we are. Still not pregnant. 7 months later, nothing. I am counting from January not September. I didn't get my period for three month after I stopped the pill. Can you believe I was stupid enough to think we got pregnant right away? I wasted more pregnancy tests than I am willing to admit.
So I started with the Clear Blue Ovulation Tests. Ten months later, I have yet to have that little smiley face looking up at me, telling me it's that magical time of the month. Next was the Clear Blue Ovulation Monitor. This one is supposed to measure your level of LH in your urine which is supposed to determine when you are ovulating. My level has never raised past the second line, and that only happened the first month I used it. It has stayed on level one ever since. In the back of my mind, I have the fear that I am not ovulating and have never ovulated in my life! I picture a little wicker basket in my stomach, empty. I know, not anatomically correct, but remember what this blog is titled? I can't seem to work up the nerve to go to the doctors. Besides, I read everywhere that they won't do anything until you have been trying for a year. More about this later....
So I started with the Clear Blue Ovulation Tests. Ten months later, I have yet to have that little smiley face looking up at me, telling me it's that magical time of the month. Next was the Clear Blue Ovulation Monitor. This one is supposed to measure your level of LH in your urine which is supposed to determine when you are ovulating. My level has never raised past the second line, and that only happened the first month I used it. It has stayed on level one ever since. In the back of my mind, I have the fear that I am not ovulating and have never ovulated in my life! I picture a little wicker basket in my stomach, empty. I know, not anatomically correct, but remember what this blog is titled? I can't seem to work up the nerve to go to the doctors. Besides, I read everywhere that they won't do anything until you have been trying for a year. More about this later....
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Story Begins
We had a very quick courtship. We were both at a point in our lives when marriage was something we both wanted and knew pretty much from the start that we wanted to be together. I am not like most girls. I didn't dream about the wedding, I dreamt about the marriage. My dreams as a young girl where tending my own house and taking care of my babies. It didn't happen as soon as I would have liked, but I like where I am now.
Before we were married, we talked about how soon we would start a family. We were both in agreement to wait two years. I come from a large, pretty strict family with much younger siblings, so I was ready to have fun and experience things. Nothing major. Just going to a movie or taking a trip anytime we wanted. Just a few months into our marriage I lost a job and started another and he started his own firm, so we knew we had made the right decision in waiting. Now, there were times when I wasn't really sure about our decision, but ultimately knew it was the right one. Right after our first anniversary, in May, we started talking about how we would time it. He, being a CPA, has a tax season that requires him to be at work 7 days a week at least 12 hours a day for about 4 1/2 months. He didn't want the baby to be born during that time. So we knew we had a window for when we wanted to start trying. I got a book about ttc and started studying it diligently. He even picked it up and started thumbing through it. On my birthday, in September, he surprised me with some baby things that I had seen. I already new that I wanted to do the baby's room in Winnie the Pooh. It was so sweet, I almost cried! That night, as I went to take my bc pill, he said something like, "What if you don't take it?" I was so happy! I felt like the next phase of our lives was finally beginning.
Before we were married, we talked about how soon we would start a family. We were both in agreement to wait two years. I come from a large, pretty strict family with much younger siblings, so I was ready to have fun and experience things. Nothing major. Just going to a movie or taking a trip anytime we wanted. Just a few months into our marriage I lost a job and started another and he started his own firm, so we knew we had made the right decision in waiting. Now, there were times when I wasn't really sure about our decision, but ultimately knew it was the right one. Right after our first anniversary, in May, we started talking about how we would time it. He, being a CPA, has a tax season that requires him to be at work 7 days a week at least 12 hours a day for about 4 1/2 months. He didn't want the baby to be born during that time. So we knew we had a window for when we wanted to start trying. I got a book about ttc and started studying it diligently. He even picked it up and started thumbing through it. On my birthday, in September, he surprised me with some baby things that I had seen. I already new that I wanted to do the baby's room in Winnie the Pooh. It was so sweet, I almost cried! That night, as I went to take my bc pill, he said something like, "What if you don't take it?" I was so happy! I felt like the next phase of our lives was finally beginning.
Friday, July 24, 2009
My First Time
With this post, I will officially enter the world of blogging. I never thought I would do something like this, but the thoughts and words swirl in my head so much, I feel I have to let them out. I went to Target and picked out a pretty book to write my daily thoughts in (and even a squishy pen!), but I am not having much luck writing what I really want to say. My thoughts move much faster than my hand can, so I just get frustrated and quit. Maybe my typing is a little better! Who knows if anyone else will ever read this. I don't know if my personal struggles will be of any interest to anyone, but I will try to be as entertaining as possible. So here I go.....
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